Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
