I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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