if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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