i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
please come you make the beer taste better
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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