Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
