Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
