You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
