sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
