turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
