I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
