So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
