FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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