i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
