You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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