I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
