I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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