READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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