I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
