I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
