Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
