he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
