do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
