My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
