me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
