Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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