I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm too high and old for this...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
