Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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