Betty ford says i'm here all night
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
