i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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