Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
