Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
