Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he thought i was a dude.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
