i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So squirting runs in the family.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
