Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
