Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
