I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
