I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
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Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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