I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
