i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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