I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
