you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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