I hate your face
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
if only i could text you this smell
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
