On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
