I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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