even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
