Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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