I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
