I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
