Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
