Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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