you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
