I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
