Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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