Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
