woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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