mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
