Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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