Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
