So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
