hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
