**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
