I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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