i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
