Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She bit a glass in half.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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